Significant Others — Accommodation

Julie Freeman is a significant other has been active in the gender community for over 20 years, particularly with significant others and couples groups. She has written articles for many publications including the Diablo Valley Girls newsletter among others. The following piece appeared on TGForum in 1996 and was first published in the Diablo Valley Girls newsletter Devil Woman. A book composed of her writings titled A Significant Other View can be purchased from Amazon.

I read a letter recently from a wife who had attended the SPICE conference with her husband. She was not comfortable with his crossdressing, felt it was something he did somewhat to annoy her, but decided to attend the conference to learn more about crossdressing and because she was feeling a certain amount of pressure to attend from her husband. Although SPICE is a non crossdressing convention, it is open to husbands, etc., who wish to attend. [The conferences were sponsored by the Tri Ess organization and were for significant others and their CD partners to attend. No crossdressing was allowed. The last Web reference to the conference appears to be 2010.] And it appears that the gentlemen who do attend do have a good time although they do not crossdress.

And it is because this particular wife’s husband did have a good time that she came away convinced he really did not need to crossdress. The fact that she had a good time as well was not the issue — it was the fact that HE had a good time. Therefore crossdressing was something he CHOSE to do and he could certainly choose NOT to do it! That he really was just crossdressing because he knew it bothered her.

It is sad that she could not see that perhaps in his desire to help her understand the crossdressing phenomena he put aside his needs and wants for a few days to please her. He was happy because he was hoping that by attending SPICE she would become more understanding and compassionate. Most gentlemen attending SPICE recognize the need for their significant others to learn about crossdressing and all its ramifications in a non-distracting environment. The fact that they can also enjoy themselves at the same time and not walk around with long faces or pout because they cannot crossdress is to be celebrated, not to be used as a tool against them in the future.

Many a crossdresser does enjoy his male side as he enjoys his femme side. That is the nature of the phenomena. Wives and significant others who understand this are on their way to making crossdressing a positive in their relationship rather than a burden, a cross to bear.

Perhaps in time this wife will come to understand her husband. Hopefully she will learn as so many of us that crossdressing does not just go away, that crossdressers are not crossdressing to spite their wives. This is a phenomenom that probably goes back to early childhood for most, especially for those of us who believe in the biological explanation.

This is not to say, however, that the crossdressers should expect carte blanche from their wives. They need to recognize their wives’ needs as well. Some wish to distance themselves from the crossdressing; others may participate in activities more frequently. Compromise and communication within the couple should help to allow both to integrate crossdressing into their relationship in a way acceptable to both.

I hope for the best for this couple. I hope that she can learn over time just what crossdressing means and why her husband crossdresses and that she may may need to accommodate his needs for awhile. I hope her husband can understand that it may take time and patience for her to learn this and that he may need to accommodate her needs for awhile. I hope they make it work!

Tags: crossdressing, featured, partners

Category: Transgender Body & Soul