Shock The Monkey

| Dec 4, 2017 | Comments (0)

When I say I have anxiety, I don’t think people really get it. They can’t see it, so therefore it must be imagined. People like my Landlady don’t understand it. Work doesn’t understand it. Most friends don’t understand it. I’m not even sure my family gets it. Let me describe it this way. 

It’s much like having a heavy, invisible monkey on my back. Sometimes I can bear the weight but I still feel him. He’s back there chomping his bananas and grunting in my ear, annoying me. Other times, his weight becomes too much and I can’t take it. I can lay down and relax and his weight is nearly gone. But it is sure to return the next day. Sometimes, I tranquilize him and he falls off of my back and into a slumbering heap. But, he wakes up eventually and groggily climbs back on. 

Is this the monkey on your back?

The weight has been weighing on me more for the last two years. Before that, the monkey would only occasionally climb on my back. Sometimes he would beat me into submission with panic. But now, he is just a continuous weight hanging off of my back in my waking hours. The load lightens sometimes and sometimes he climbs off for a break. But, he’s right back on the next day. 

Living where I do does not help at all. The monkey has grown fat and heavy, feeding on the California living stress. He is in his glory here with tons of food to eat to grow fatter and fatter. My Landlady just loves to feed the monkey. She somehow knows he is there. The monkey loves her stress bananas. When I am at work, oh boy, the monkey really starts hanging off of me and jumps up and down hooting and screaming. Yes, we sell bananas at work. Lots and lots of bananas.

People tell me to just relax and forget about the monkey. I say, if the monkey would get the hell off my back, I could very easily forget about him. I could do anything! I could improve my life and be happy. However, I can’t forget about the monkey. All I can do is learn to live with it on my back. But, it holds me back. It’s an unwanted burden that is unseen by anyone else. They don’t see me with this burden and so they think it’s nothing but an imagined burden. I should just forget about it, they say. I can forget about the monkey about as much as I can stop being trans. It has held me back all of my life, but now the monkey is heavier than ever. I want the monkey gone. He needs to go away.

Time to lay down.

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Category: Body & Soul

Amanda F. Steele

About Amanda F. Steele: I am a transwoman originally from Pittsburgh, PA. I have been living full time for 4 years. I work in retail but am an artist/Graphic Designer and aspiring writer. I tend to address the controversial in my writing. I would love to change the world one article at a time. I moved here to The San Francisco Bay Area to start over, again. The adventure continues...

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