Self-confidence Let’s You Take Control

By Kristina Mayhem

I facilitate a support group in which a client named ‘Sharon’ said that when going out trans something isn’t right. Sharon fell away from herself for a moment, collected herself, and described how something was always off. It was evident that nervousness was playing a part in what she was experiencing.

Growing up in a transphobic culture is a major challenge. Unless you pass well, there are few places to be yourself. Some transpeople go to gay bars; some attend LGBT social activities; and some worship at an LGBT church. These are all places with limited levels of acceptance. Some can only muster enough courage to go out driving alone.

The un-acceptance we experience is huge and current political matters don’t help. Some report never having had a problem using a bathroom, until now. Another member said she can use the women’s bathroom at her church, but there is opposition. We experience anything from small acts of disrespect to outright hostility and harassment. It brings to mind axioms from the Bible and Plato – ‘We should never do wrong when wronged.’

Those subtle and blatant messages affect how we feel about ourselves. We add these to our early life memories and what we learned about transgender behavior from the larger society: parents, educators, religious institutions, and the like. These sources provided the most informative and objective information available.

In group I help people rid themselves of negative messages and promote positive self-esteem. Overcoming these experiences in psychotherapy is a complex process that includes the exploration of lifetime experiences that lead to low self-worth, shame, and self-blame. We see how negative beliefs became embedded in our sense of who we are.

By confronting these erroneous beliefs and focusing on our strengths, abilities and accomplishments, we make positive and refreshing change. Bringing these new feelings to our social milieu promotes positive experiences and opportunities for growth.

I emphasize a holistic approach in which every component of a person’s experience affects the whole. Health is a state of integrated physical, mental, and social well-being. In addition to working through our problems in psychotherapy, there are other ways to create positive change.

I want to share a list of confidence builders with you:

Do a dress rehearsal beforehand. For many this goes without saying, but a little preparation goes a long way. Getting things in order eases anxiety and puts you in touch with the positive. Keeping a mental image of your strong points and visualizing how you will look is a huge confidence builder.

Exercise. By getting your heart rate up and pushing your body — sweating and surviving — we are reminded how strong we are. After completing a walk or run, or enduring something physical that tests your limits, most of the other challenges will seem easy by comparison. Plus, regular exercise requires discipline that makes us feel like we have control over our lives. There’s a time and place for everything and we can do it all!

Eat well. Start the day with a yogurt, banana, and some fresh orange juice. If you need more calories eat some raw walnuts or cashews. If you start with a poor diet you don’t do anything well, which totally erodes your confidence.

Reading. You’ll never be at a loss for something to talk about with your friends. Keeping up with transgender news is a great way to feel connected to the community.

Pay attention to sale advertisements. Visualize yourself in those pictures. Fantasy is a healthy and constructive way to improve how you feel. Look and feel the role!

Plato said that absolute forms are the ideal reality. The person inside is the person you really are. The everyday world tries to emulate these absolute forms. Our internal reality is what’s real and the roles we conform to are not. These everlasting concept-objects are what Plato calls the forms.

In group Sharon rallied and shared her plan. She put together an itinerary before going out which included ways of being personable with others. She’s now hitting every note with grace and confidence. Her newfound courage validates her decisions and her lines of beauty are exquisitely defined. Her progress is an example of the opportunity that we all share — what’s not to love?

Tags: closeted, confidence, crossdressing, featured, passing, Transgender

Category: Transgender Body & Soul