Rent is Due

It’s early September. The rent is due.

Summer is bleeding into autumn. One of my favorite seasons transforms to another. But first: September. Those who have followed my writing know how much I hate September. The worst things in my life have always happened in September. Separations. Deaths. Birth.

If I manage to get through September, October waits on the other side: Falling leaves, cool nights, reflection, and then Halloween. The cycle of life continues into the madness of the Holiday season, which I absolutely hate. But not as much as September.

In many ways, the person I am today began in September. The person I was died a painful death through September of 2013. Major parts were hacked from my soul, which hardened and scarred.

Births are always Painful. Perhaps as painful as deaths.

This year, September 2016, marks what is supposed to be a significant time in my life. In September 1966, I was dragged unwilling and unwanted into this world. I am sure I cried. A cord was cut and tied off, and I was pronounced “a boy.” My life began with and as a mistake. I wouldn’t understand the mistake the innocent doctor made until I was four.

I wasn’t a boy.

I live with that to this day.

And so, a little more than a week from today, I mark fifty years on this planet.
Milestones always cause me to reflect. Wife says I don’t reflect — I brood. And she’s right. She’s much smarter than I will ever be.

As of this month, I will be full time as Sophie for two and a half years. I have grown significantly as a person in that time. Finally being True to oneself will do that. And yet, in so many ways, I’m still that infant screaming out her first breath.

Yes, HER, Doctor Tucker. You made a mistake with that one.

I’ve had fifty years on this planet. What positive have I done? Saved lives, fathered a daughter, did my best to help other trans people…is it enough? Will it ever be enough?

I live my life trying to help others. It’s who I am. I’ve written about this many times. I’ve paid the price for it. So be it. But the problem with living my life this way is that there’s ALWAYS more to be done. I can never be finished. I could be a vindictive bitch and say it’s because most people DON’T help others, leaving that work to the few who care.

I wouldn’t be wrong.

But that doesn’t matter.

People act according to their natures. Usually. If you, dear reader, have read any amount of my ramblings, you know my nature — probably better than I do myself. And so I will continue in my way.

I see my time on this plane as coming with a Price. The price is that I, as a person, do my best to help as many others as I can to the best of my ability. That’s how I pay the Rent for my time here.

The Rent is due. It’s always due.

I’ll always be paying it. As will some others. And you know what?

The Rent just keeps going up.

This month, I mark fifty years. I have more of my life here behind me than in front of me. I will probably pause on the day to mark that event, much as I hate doing so. Then life will continue. The world never stops. The Wheel is turning and you can’t slow down.

We all do our part. According to our natures.

Be Well.

Tags: featured, Identity

Category: Transgender Body & Soul