Metamorphosis: Part 10

| Jul 10, 2017

[Chapter 1] [Chapter 2] [Chapter 3] [Chapter 4] [Chapter 5] [Chapter 6] [Chapter 7] [Chapter 8] [Chapter 9] [Chapter 10] 

Lydia was elegant and always had been since the day I met her. Besides being the first trans-girl I had ever spoke with on a personal level, she also meant more than she could have ever imagined.

She was gorgeous by the standards of most straight men and passed as a woman with ease, which created jealousy amongst others. She was loved by many for her outrageous personality and overall positive outlook on life. Lydia took me from the pits of misery to a place I never dreamed — acceptance.

After my experience with the homophobic, yet homosexual police officer, my mind went into a complete tailspin. I spent most of my days living as Mark again and had thought transitioning was nothing more than a foolish notion. Perhaps this wish had been some weird fetish that fueled a desire in me to crossdress. However, the more I walked the streets as Mark the more I despised myself. Looking in a mirror felt like staring into the eyes of a familiar stranger. One you recognize but for whatever reason don’t care to know. 

A friend had suggested that I attend a support group which met in the city on Wednesday nights. I mean there was nothing for me to lose and I didn’t exactly have any plans. Going out of the house as a woman was as frightening as spending the night in a cage full of hungry lions. The lions represented all those people that gawked at me with utter disgust. Parents who held their children just a little tighter as I walked by or straight guys who whispered jokes, at my expense, into the ears of friends.

I allowed the horrible human beings in our society access to my mind. I believed I would never be beautiful, nor thought I would ever be good enough to find love with a man, woman, or anyone who would accept me. My expectations for the support group to make a difference in my dreary life were low to say the least. Showing up was my way of going through the motions to satisfy my friend’s egos and prove I had tried everything they recommended to shake this depression.

I remember creeping in for that first session. My hope was to fly under the radar and get through without human interaction. I was a tad bit early and noticed Lydia grabbing coffee at the refreshment table in the main hallway. I glared at her like a wide-eyed lost puppy.

“Honey, you need to relax,” she announced grinning from ear to ear with the same smile I would grow to adore. 

I noticed her jet black eyeliner, winged upwards at the corners, applied flawlessly around those drop-dead gorgeous sapphire eyes. She wore a rose patterned sundress which draped down an inch below the panty line. Her legs were tan, toned, and amazing. It was easy to see Lydia was both fashionable and had mastered cosmetics. I totally felt like I wasted hours watching YouTube tutorials! Within a moment, I realized I desperately needed her in my life!  
I looked her up and down teeming with jealousy. Not resentment or hate! Let’s call it envy with a tinge of jealousy. I wanted to be as confident and beautiful as she. The issue was that I already was beautiful. I just didn’t know it yet.

“I am a little nervous,” I had replied. She placed her hand on my back and gently rubbed like a mother to a daughter. A sensation of warmth had rushed through my heart. In those few short minutes I felt like myself for the first time. 

“You’ll be okay. I was nervous my first time, sweetie. You just have to remember we’re here to help you. What’s your name?” She inquired. 

“It’s um – uh, um Mark I guess,” I stuttered. I wasn’t sure how to answer the question. Maybe she wanted to know my current legal name. As my name escaped my mouth, it sounded like a foreign language. 

“Oh, honey,” she laughed, “It doesn’t sound like that name is what you want to be called. What can I call you?”

I smiled. I remember it so vividly because it was the first time my lips curled upwards in months. “You can call me Raquel. That’s my name.”

“Okay Raquel. I’m Lydia. How long has it been since you could just be yourself without worrying about other people?”

“A long time. It feels good. I’ve had some rough times.” My mouth curled downward into its usual position.

“Transitioning isn’t an easy thing. Once you become who you really are, you will be much happier. I’ve lost friends, some family members, and a bunch of other people who obviously never cared about me. I will tell you this- I am the happiest I’ve ever been in my life. If this is what you want—then you owe it to yourself to live a life of happiness. Is this what you want?” Lydia lowered her chin waiting for an answer.

I remember that question and my response. It was the first time I answered it without thinking about anyone else in the world. I wasn’t worried about those who wouldn’t understand or who might make fun of me. I just answered it.

“Yes. This is definitely what I want. I have some weight to lose. I want to look pretty, ya know?”

Lydia shook her head neither in agreement nor disagreement. “You are already beautiful, Raquel. It’s not about what you look like on the outside but your character that makes you who you are. And to me, so far, you seem like a great person. Now, with that being said, if you want to lose weight and do some things that make you feel pretty or sexy then you should do that. But don’t do it for anyone but yourself. Got it!”

“Yeah. Thanks Lydia. I really don’t have any friends I could talk to about this. I really appreciate it.” My eyes filled with liquid. Lydia leaned in and put her arms around me and gave me the most loving hug I had ever received from anyone, ever. I barely knew her. I was so shocked.

“You have a friend now, girl. And I will always be there to help you make the right decisions. I am not one to push or pull someone in a direction they do not want to go. The meeting is starting. Let’s have a seat.”

“Raquel. Raquel? Raquel! Snap out of it!” Mark shouts.

“Oh sorry, Mark. I was just thinking about her,” I reply.

“The old woman?”

“Yeah, my best friend,” I say. I hear thunder crack in the distance. I see a storm rolling in from the north.

“Looks like we will hit rain here soon,” Says Mark.

“Yeah. The Magistrate knows we are coming for him. I think we need to seriously figure out what we are going to do.”

“I know what I’m going to do,” Mark says. His tone is sharp. He has obviously not wavered on his position.

“So do I.”

To be continued. . . . 

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Category: Fiction, Fun & Entertainment

About RaquelRSwann: Tell us about yourself...I am a transgender writer/blogger who is just getting started as an author and a woman. My"Metamorphosis" Series will be featured in Transliving Magazine starting in September. I have a lot to contribute and hopefully will be releasing a book in the near future! If you want to read more of my works please go to http://tsraquelswann.wordpress.com or follow me on Twitter @RaquelRSwann Thank you for reading and I hope you enjoy the thoughts, emotions, & worlds I continue to create for you. Love, Raquel

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