Memorial Day and a Two Piece Bathing Suit — UGH!

Rachel in the latex 2-piece

I’m writing this on Memorial Day, a day of reflecting and remembering the fallen heros of war. Officially that’s what this day is for. I never served in the military and never really understood the need or compulsion to want to serve. I was a conscientious objector back in the ‘60s and still protest against useless fighting and killing to this day. I’m not trying to get into any debates here about supporting the troops, I pay my taxes therefore, like it or not I support them and I respect everyone’s feelings and decisions about serving or not.

So, for me today is just about having a day off from work, and going to a BBQ at my friends house. This may all seem fairly mundane or trivial, except for the fact that they have a beautiful, outdoor, heated, swimming pool and I love to be in the water.

Three years into my HRT has given me a pretty nice set of breasts and some feminine shape to my hips and torso. My friends, their kids and other guests are all enlightened and pretty accepting of me being Rachel now, but I seem to still have some apprehension about wearing a two piece bathing suit at the picnic/party. I bought a couple swim suits, tried them on and think, ‘Oh, I look pretty good.’ Then for some reason I feel that wave of dread shoot up my back when considering I’ll be at the party out and exposed in a two piece bathing suit.

There are still aspects of my body that are not, how should I say, “girly.” When I go out at night dressed to the nines, wearing makeup and heels I think I look pretty fabulous. I usually find clothes that hide or accentuate different parts of my body to achieve a feminine appearance. But in a bathing suit I can’t hide my size 10 feet, my gangly long arms or my square shoulders. Also my facial profile (nose and chin) with no makeup, hair all wet and flat isn’t very flattering to me either.

I went to a swim party last year and wore cutoff shorts and a T-shirt because I wasn’t quite confident enough to wear a girl’s swimsuit. This year I don’t want to hide myself anymore, but I’m still getting nervous about exposing myself in a way, to my friends and family. I know they still have echoes or memories of me as “Ray” and try as they may to love and accept me as Rachel I can see (in their faces) that when I look or dress a certain way, it has pushed their buttons. Or maybe I’m just projecting my feelings onto them. When I’m out at an event with all my Trans girl friends I don’t have these feelings at all.

I was at a Transgender event last year that had a swimming pool and wore a two piece latex bathing suit and felt so awesome in it! I guess because I was with people like myself and we all have body issues to deal with, but love and support each other in our journeys, I didn’t feel as raw or exposed. Yes, I could have bought myself a one piece swimsuit and I tried a couple on, but they just didn’t suit me. I’m a two piece girl I guess!

Okay, now that I have a two pieceI’m all nervous about wearing it, UGH! I cut back on my food intake this past week in preparation for the party, because I felt “FAT” even though everyone around me calls me “skinny ass.”

I always get compliments from girls just starting out on their trans journey. They will say they admire my bravery and wish they could be like me. I smile and show a good face, but inside I’m just as unsure about a lot of things as they are and I get nervous or scared about being in certain social situations. I wonder if I will ever be completely comfortable in my new skin even though it’s the skin I longed for all my life.

Maybe it’s because I’m older and it’s sometimes hard not to view myself as, “an old guy in a dress.” This is all part of who I am, was, and will be I guess. I am still learning how to “integrate” the different lives I’ve had, and am going to have, into the one life that I do have. I know time will help blur some of these feelings or fears because it already has, like when I’m with my friends that I’ve hung out with a lot.

It’s when I’m with family or friends that haven’t viewed me dressed (or undressed) a certain way for the first time, that all this comes up again. I try to tell myself this is all so silly, but thats my head talking, trying to convince me with it’s logic, but my heart has it’s own feelings and emotions. I have lived a long life so far and now into my transition I’m really just a couple years old, so, no matter what experiences I’ve had as Rachel, I’m experiencing all of them, all over again and in a somewhat different way.

It’s going to be warm today and the pool is open. I bought my bathing suit and I’m going to wear it. I’m sure everything will be fine once I get my feet wet. (LOL!)

A side note: To all those who have served in the Military or are going to, I respect your choice and commitment to protecting our freedoms which allow me to be, (in this country anyway) who I am. Thank you for your service. Happy Memorial Day!

Love and Respect,
Rachel Xaviera

Tags: fashion, featured, Transition

Category: Transgender Body & Soul, Transgender Opinion