I Didn’t Ask For This

| Sep 4, 2017

I didn’t ask for this.

I didn’t ask to be born transgender. Yes, Born. I was born this way, despite what the GOP wants you to believe. There WAS one choice in the matter: to Live or to Die. To live as the woman I was born to be, or to blow my head off. I still debate the wisdom of the path I chose.

I didn’t ask for this.

Sophie

Off to Work

Four years ago this past week, I was thrown out of the house where I lived with my wife and daughter because I am Trans. I maybe see my daughter, now nine, once a week. She travels overseas at least once a year with her mother and her family. I am not invited. My nephews and niece think I ‘hate them” because they haven’t seen me in years. No one has told them the Truth — they don’t know about me. My daughter doesn’t know the Truth about why I moved out. Wouldn’t want to offend anyone.

I didn’t ask for this.

In less than two weeks, I will be 51 years old. I never thought I’d see 30. I desperately wanted to die on my 50th. I’m almost 51, and I have done NOTHING with my life. I can’t even support myself.

I didn’t ask for this.

I’m sitting in front of my computer in my one bedroom apartment that I share with my bestie. We can barely afford it. We both work retail, because we can’t find anything else. I apply to jobs every day. No answer. No one hires a trans woman who doesn’t “pass.” I will never retire. I’ll probably be scheduled to work on the day of my funeral.

I didn’t ask for this.

I am a proud two-time Penn State graduate (Bachelors and Masters in Education.) I am Proud of my school. This year ALONE, Penn Staters raised $10,045,478.44 for pediatric cancer research (adding to the $137 million already raised.) Today (as I write this) our football team won. Yay Nittany Lions! However, if I support my school or my team, I am called a “pedophile,” a “pedophile enabler,” or a “pedophile apologist.” Hint: I had NOTHING to do with it, and was as horrified as anyone when I heard the news.

I didn’t ask for this.

I worked to elect Clinton. (Both of them in fact.) I saw Trump as a catastrophe waiting to happen. Was I right? No — what is happening is FAR worse than I could’ve imagined. There are Nazis and Klansmen walking the streets of towns with the law looking the other way. The only people who stopped them are being demonized for doing so. Antifa? Too violent? As a student of history, I know of many other anti-fascist organizations through American history: The 82nd Airborne, The 101st Airborne, The Big Red One, Third Army, U.S. Rangers. They knew how to deal with Nazis — they shot them on sight. Now, the Nazis have approval from the occupant of the White House. And Antifa has been declared a terrorist group.

I didn’t ask for this.

Climate change has been called a lie, a scam — all kinds of things. Meanwhile, the polar icecaps are melting away, and we have “storms of the century” two or three times a year it seems. Harvey isn’t even gone, and there’s a Category FIVE hurricane heading toward Florida. Houston is under five feet of water! Oh wait — that’s what they get for not passing the transgender bathroom ban. Sound ridiculous? People have said it!

I didn’t ask for this.

My dreams are haunted by screams of the dying. And when they aren’t, I am always trying to get somewhere, but I always end up further away.

I didn’t ask for this.

I dedicated my life to serving others. I was a volunteer paramedic. I am a teacher. An activist. And for this I’m called a “snowflake” and far worse. I really want to make this world a better place — a place that my daughter can thrive and prosper. Exactly what I haven’t done.

I didn’t ask for this.

I didn’t ask to be born. I didn’t ask to be born transgender. Yet here I am. Still alive. Breathing. Writing. Writhing. Whining. Wanting.

Wishing.

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Category: Body & Soul

About Sophie Lynne: http://sophielynne1.blogspot.com/ : http://www.nytimes.com/interactive/projects/storywall/transgender-today/stories/sophie-lynne : http://articles.philly.com/2016-06-29/news/74075409_1_transgender-students-gender-identity-transgender-people

Comments (10)

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  1. lesleyanne says:

    Darn those fascists at Variety!

    I kid you not, they have an article up right now titled, “‘American Horror Story: Cult’ Premiere Recap: ‘Election Night’ Takes on Trump-Era Hysteria”.

    I assume the ‘feminized’ people Variety are referencing are Hilary voters since Trump voters would be delighted, happy, thrilled, etc but not hysterically so.

    From the article: “In some of the most in-your-face satire of the episode, Winter, on the phone with her friend, chastises CNN for not issuing a “trigger warning” before announcing the election results.”

    And I always thought Variety was typically Hollywood-ly liberal. I guess there really is a reason to be afraid, very afraid of Trump. He’s scarier than Pennywise the Clown.

  2. lesleyanne says:

    But for the sake of argument, as they say, let’s assume I was using ‘hysterical’ to call leftists ‘feminine’.

    On the scale of hate speech/verbal violence, how would me calling certain people ‘feminine’ compare to those same people calling me ‘nazi’, ‘fascist’, ‘kkk’ and all the rest of the epithets that so glibly fall from the tongues of the ‘resistance’?

    I know that contemporary feminists do consider ‘femininity’ to be beyond the pale, to be discarded as a patriarchal construct, but I’m happy to embrace the label.

    The others, nope.

  3. lesleyanne says:

    Sophie, I understand your hostility to Trump – you’re on the other side of the political street. My inquiry was specific – about money only – is your income/job situation worse now than up to January of this year? For example, did you have but have lost your Obamacare, food stamps, et al?

    “I am waiting for the night when my door is kicked in or worse.”

    Sorry, that’s just paranoia. The old joke is ‘it’s not paranoia if they’re really out to get you’. Not so funny here because nobody is coming for you or plotting right now to get you because you’re trans.

    My analysis of the hysteria of the left now being manifested daily in contemporary America is that they absolutely fully expected to have a continuation of Obama’s reign going forward, essentially forever (at least in the presidency). The shock of November 8 has never abated, the 5 steps of grief just keep cycling through with each day’s ‘outrage(s)’ by Trump.

    For the most part, it’s quite amusing but in your case it’s sad because you really are hurting based on how you describe your family relationships etc. The latter, of course, have nothing to do with Trump – not every little aspect of our lives is political – but things do exacerbate other things whether rational or not. That’s human nature at work.

    Look, I survived 8 years of Obama, my liberal friends survived 8 years of Bush, I survived 8 years of Clinton, liberal friends survived 12 years of Reagan/Bush senior, and Carter and Nixon and Kennedy/Johnson and Eisenhower and FDR/Truman. See the pattern? No guarantees on it continuing but you are facing 3+ years at least of the nightmare you’ve constructed and allowed to run rampant in your head.

    If you truly believe that Trump is Hitler, recall that Reagan was Hitler and both Bushes were Hitler (remember Chimpy McBushitler?). Of course, NOW is really different, I’m assured, because ALL Republicans/conservatives are Nazis, the entire non-liberal population has morphed into the modern day KKK because Trump stole the last election and freed the evil always residing in non-liberal hearts.

    But elsewhere in the news section we are told by black transwoman Munroe Bergdorf that you and I, being white, are personally responsible for all the ‘racial violence’ in the world. That being the case, maybe we should focus on mitigating (although I don’t see how to) our own vile racism rather than deflect our guilt onto Trump?

    Best wishes to you Sophie. I hope you keep writing here periodically, if only to reassure me that they haven’t – yet – taken you during the night.

    • Sophie Lynne says:

      Interesting that you, like the GOP propaganda machine, use the term “hysteria.” They’re always demeaning the left using derogatory feminine terms. Dog whistle to the “macho” right. They degrade women, and lump the left in with them. To them, femininity is weakness.

      I could argue you reply point for point. And maybe I will, but not here.

      No, instead I’ll post a link explaining my “paranoia” written by a wonderful, intelligent woman.

      http://m.huffpost.com/us/entry/us_59ad7f7ae4b0bef3378cda5e/amp

      • lesleyanne says:

        Sophie, I’ll check the link.

        And no need to debate, I was just trying to ease your mind about the present and near future. If you don’t want that, then I hope you find a way to cope with the fear and psychic pain.

        Venting is certainly one way. I’ve done my share but I did find there was a period of about 8 months during the election cycle when I turned off everything – no news, no politics at all, since I was absolutely certain Hilary was going to win. I even told my son there would never be another Republican president. He told me my blood pressure would improve if I wasn’t so obsessed with it all, and he was right. Those were very pleasant, ‘ignorance is bliss’ weeks.

        I do wish you would address my main question before I went off on the Hitler/Not Hitler tangent: is your financial situation better/worse/the same now as it was for period of 2009 to early 2017?

        The reason this interests me is because you mentioned how precarious your material life is now. I would hope that it’s not worse under the new reality.

        Overall, the macro economy has improved since 45 took office,after 8 years of tepid performance. That, of course, doesn’t translate to you or me.

      • lesleyanne says:

        Just one more thing: my use of ‘hysteria’ – Sophie, you’re reading too much into a perfectly good word, whatever its origin. I would describe some on my own side’s reaction to same-sex marriage as such. Gays marrying will ‘destroy’ the institution, they will literally ‘destroy the family’. Over the top! As was the reaction to gays in the military a couple of years ago and now the ‘bathroom wars’, which I believe a Republican governor said was a ‘solution in search of a problem’.

        I tend to use, and shrug off criticism for doing so, perfectly good words like transvestite, transsexual, sex-change operation, that have been deliberately replaced by vague terms like transgender (ok as an umbrella word), gender-affirmation surgery, etc. And don’t get me started on the absurd ‘assigned male/female at birth’ perversion of basic human biology.

        But then I’m in my 7th decade so I use the ‘senior card’ whenever needed – “I’m old and I can say any damn thing I want.”

        🙂

  4. Sophie Lynne says:

    Are you serious? Obama extended protections to transgender people. He was the first president to acknowledge our existence, and his administration fought for our rights. He ended wars which brought friends of mine home and out of harms way. I transitioned during his presidency because I felt I had a prayer of safety.

    45 has rolled back transgender protections, incited hatred, and endorsed violence by the Nazis and Klan.

    If I had to make the choice I had back in 2014 today, I wouldn’t transition. He has made this country hostile to people like me. No, I would’ve gone the other way.

    So, my life is FAR worse now than in January. And I don’t see it getting better until his entire administration is history. I’ve written it before and I’ll write it again here: I do not believe I will survive this administration. I am waiting for the night when my door is kicked in or worse.

  5. lesleyanne says:

    Just wondering Sophie – what did 8 years of Obama do for you?

    Are you worse/better/the same under the 7+ months of the Trump regime?

    I mean materially, obviously your soul/spirit is hurting, massively, which no one should have to endure.

    Lesley Anne

  6. j2emily says:

    I have read a number of articles by this writer and her ongoing anger is obvious. Perhaps she should look in the mirror when considering her circumstances.