I never liked using public bathrooms. Men’s restrooms are always so uncouth. Men will do it anywhere. You could take that and use it in a lot of situations! I much preferred being a little boy and being allowed to follow my mommy into the women’s restroom. Girls had stalls with doors! They were allowed to do it in private. Girls in a room all to themselves and they still had doors. It was such a striking comparison to what was found upon following my father into the men’s restroom. The men’s room was always such a pit of brutish vitality and oddities on public display. Men don’t need doors!
When I was in high school they removed the doors from the stalls in the boy’s restroom. This was because too many boys were locking themselves into the stalls and doing things that the administration disapproved of. So, from that day on all the boys had to take shits with missing stall doors! I was horrified. Not that it mattered as I never used the bathroom anyway.
I was petrified of using the public toilets as a young lad. I was just a little gay boy in this giant manly room without supervision. Those boys could have done anything to me. They could have said anything to me. I really didn’t know what would happen but I knew that if I could I’d rather just hold it all until I got home.
Now I’m a full grown man and I find myself amazed at men in the men’s restroom. I’ve noticed that most men can’t pee standing next to each other. They’ll “give each other space” and rarely get stuck next to each other. Sometimes when they do end up next to each other they’ll keep flushing in order to distract themselves into pissing. Older men have no problem having conversations with you while you take a piss. In office spaces where there are large rest rooms with men who know each, they long for bathroom conversation. Some co-working men even look over the doors in the stalls to see if there’s anyone to talk to. I will never forget having to tell someone, “Please don’t have a conversation with me while I’m taking a shit.”
Of course younger men under 30 years old don’t speak in rest rooms and seem to feel that they may enter into a bond of homosexuality if they say anything while committing the act of excretion. All in all I’ve come to learn that being a man in the bathroom is a pretty fascinating and awkward position. I don’t think they have a clue what to do. Do we talk? Do we stay silent? Do we send each other homo signals and screw in the handicap stall?
The public rest room dominates the headlines as I write this month’s article. I can’t help but think that if people didn’t bring up the subject nobody would know anyone of “unique gender specifications” is having to use the facilities. People fight and protest for their rights. They march down Main Street to make themselves known. Then they get upset when armed guards are posted at the lavatory door to check their identification. What did you think everyone would do, accept you for who you really are? Were you just born yesterday? Nobody likes anybody and whatever is dubbed normal will always be out to get your asses.
Then again, I get it. Fight for your rights, Mother. Strap it on and wave that banner proudly. Just remember that you can do a lot more things if you don’t tell anybody what you’re doing. Just don’t forget to flush.