“Excuse me” Lady: Reading a piece of private pocket art

“I wanted to be like my mom. I admired her when she was doing all her woman’s things and I admired her woman’s paraphernalia equally. Until this point, nothing to be surprised about, I guess pretty common for every little girl.  I might have been four years old and she ignored it. She didn’t want to see the sparkles in my eyes while trying her lipstick and a nailpolish. That was the ticket to the girl’s heaven! By the way, do you hear a voice of a girl or a boy?

“Instead, my mom wanted her oldest son and I was too weak to disappoint her. However I could not help, the urge was too strong and I started to live my double role life, wearing Tootsie’s shoes – sneakers at home, high heels outside. That time was filled with an obsession to be what I desperately couldn’t be, with an angst, desperation, prostration, and excitement, too. Time of anxiety as high as the New York’s Twin Towers that were launched just about that time.”

Lexi (MtF) is exceptionally ladylike and this pattern of being very womanly is common for males transgendering to females. The pattern might reflect their passion and desire to be on the other side, meaning the territory ruled by women: “hic sunt femelles.” And the same works for females transgendering to males but in reverse. Lexi likes to excuse herself, begging for a pardon when she wants to stand up, sit down, anything physiological that doesn’t fit her ideal of fragile female behavior.

I bet she was taking classes with My Fair Lady by Professor Higgins.

Lexi draws. She is driven to catch momentums in nature, such as storms, sea, ocean, tranquility, power, dynamics, as well as tensions. She draws her soul out. “Running before the storms” she sketched out ten years ago in 2004 and brought me that afternoon. It showed a huge sail ship, that followed the boat pictures from the years of diverse battles for her life as a woman. At first glance, the ship looks well protected against elements of nature. Yet it also looks well interconnected with it’s environment. The nature part of the drawing didn’t signal any evident storm. I didn’t see that. Nevertheless, the drama was well hidden somewhere else.

Under all this parade of sails and ladders and tools, there was a huddled soul with a storm inside, echoing a drama, a life crisis, trying to find her way back to her cut-off family. It was summer 2004, the summer when Hurricane Charley rolled and roared over the southwest coast. How big and little are our storms and battles?

During  ancient times, and sure it is a long time ago and we cannot be surprised that today’s society has already forgotten, but then transgender people, besides other queers, were venerated. They were bringing special wisdom, unique insight, and important view on issues. Although they get to the other side MtF or FtM, they do not lose their original way of thinking. Being transgender brings an ability to reflect a world from both gender perspectives that all together create the third, extraordinary one.

Transgender people completely fulfill the TAO principle. Black and White, Male and Female, Beauty and Ugliness blended together and blending perpetually. The pattern of having both — connection instead of distinction — is a process of self-acceptance and self-liking. Self on a stage is formed and dependent on backstage support. Resources and attachment, social system acceptance is not about transgender, cisgender, queers, colors, weight, cultures, but about values, diversity, not those but our break-throughs and coming outs.

Tags: Identity, opinion, Transgender

Category: Transgender Body & Soul