Usually I write about things about which I know, or at least that I can research. Not so this time. I’m striking out into new territory — a mariner sailing beyond that map, seeking the edge or the spots that say “Here there be Monsters.”
Many other people write about being Thankful this time of year. Or about some religious or Holiday theme. Again, not here. Why?
Maybe because events in my life have conspired to send my thoughts in a different direction, or maybe I’m actually using my head for more than a wig stand. In any case, I’m thinking about something I am not very familiar with:
A common concept, isn’t it? One of many bases of civilization. It IS the basis of almost every human religion (I can’t speak to Vulcan mysticism, though.)
“Ok, Sophie, why don’t you know much about it?” you ask.
Many times I have mentioned that as a guy, I wasn’t the nicest of people. Among my many faults was the fact that I would never forgive anything. If someone hurt me, I’d remember it… forever. Yes, I had my own Book of Grudges and I lived it every day.
Maybe it has something to do with wounds received in childhood for which I never had justice, and the knowledge that if I were to get justice, I’d have to do it myself. See, I thought that was what Men did: always get even. Eye for an eye. “You know there ain’t no forgettin’.”
Never mind that “Turn the other cheek” stuff. I was going to get even; sometimes years after the fact. Carrying that much hate in my belly, sometimes for years, well it isn’t healthy.
I still haven’t forgiven my parents for their treatment of me growing up. There is discipline then there’s abuse. In fact, when my father thought he was dying of cancer back in 1999, he asked my forgiveness. I looked down at him in his bed and said “F**k you” and left.
Yes, this is an issue I’ve worked on with a succession of therapists.
And many, many friends over the years warned of the dire effects of carrying this much Hate inside. This NEED for vengeance. It’s like I was Batman – without the training or cool gadgets.
Well, five years ago, things changed a bit. I re-discovered my feminine self, and my soul slowly began to heal.
Ever try to heal a soul? Takes a long time. A lifetime in fact.
Eventually, I realized the depth of my Truth, and started to transition.
And I realized that I wasn’t angry at all my girlfriends or my first fiancée for cheating. In fact, now I understood why. I wasn’t angry for all those insults to my honor on dark whisky soaked nights that ended up in a brawl.
No, in the end… I was Angry at myself.
For being me.
That’s the Heart of the Matter, as the song says.
Internalized Transphobia would be the technical term for those of you who need that bit. I KNEW, deep down, that I was a Woman. That I was Trans. That I was different. And I couldn’t forgive myself for it.
And, like love, if I couldn’t forgive myself, how could I forgive others? But forgiving oneself isn’t that easy. Letting go of a weight that I’ve been caring all my life…. Well, I simply don’t know how to do it.
That’s a job for the therapist I think.
I AM still angry with two people in my life, even after realizing all this. I’m still angry at my parents for the beatings and psychological damage. That will take a long time to repair. I mean, shouldn’t we all have had the Brady’s or the Cosby’s as parents?
Umm, let me reconsider that. I couldn’t handle that much pork chops and applesauce.
In any case, that’s one of my many emotional jobs — WANTING to forgive them.
The other person is Lisa. For what she did to everyone. I’m still in the anger part of the mourning stages with her. Someday I’ll lay that anger to rest, I’m sure. Just like I’ll lay the anger with my parents to rest. But today is not that day.
No, first I have to learn to Forgive the Woman looking back at me in the mirror. The Woman who is learning to love life and herself. The Woman who is swiftly replacing the angry bitter person who I was.
And it’s about time.
Because we ALL deserve a chance for Happiness. For Forgiveness.
I’ve heard it’s divine.
May you all have a wonderful Holiday Season. Make someone Smile. They’ll appreciate it.
Category: Body & Soul